Here's What to Say (and What Not to Say) When Your Guy Can't Get It Up

If your partner has trouble keeping it up or getting it up in the first place, you’re not alone—or at fault. One in four men seeking help for erectile dysfunction is under 40, and according to New York City sex therapist Stephen Snyder, M.D., the most common causes in young men are psychological barriers like anxiety, anger, or shame—we repeat, not lack of attraction to you. “Sometimes a man’s penis knows more than he does about how he’s feeling. Any negative emotion at all can sink an erection,” Snyder says. “Loss of an erection is usually just his penis saying no in the only language it knows.”


Dr. Snyder says the best way to address erectile dysfunction depends on whether the problem is temporary or recurring. Here are the best—and worst—ways to handle each situation.
If the problem is temporary:
DO let him know it’s okay to sit this one out.
Pressure to perform can be counterproductive, Dr. Snyder says. “Tell him it’s really OK if the two of you don’t have intercourse tonight. Maybe he's not ready yet,"—and “yet” is the key word. Sometimes, he says, just removing that pressure makes the penis change its mind. “If that happens, tell him you’re happy he’s feeling better.”
DON’T try to force it.
“Don’t try to force a ‘no’ to a ‘yes’ with your hand or mouth. Most likely he’d just experience this as pressure—which is the exact opposite of what you want to convey,” Dr. Snyder says.
If the problem is recurring:
DON’T make him feel bad about it.
“One of the most frequent emotional causes of ED can be that he’s feeling horrible about having ED,” says Dr. Snyder. Guilt, disappointment, and embarrassment can create a self-perpetuating cycle, so do your best to take the pressure off and not bring it up often, even if you're annoyed or concerned inside, which is understandable.

DO explore medical causes.

“Not all erection problems are purely psychological. For a variety of physical reasons, many men have vulnerable erections,” says Dr. Snyder. One study found that cigarette smoking and use of drugs were correlated with ED in young men. Mental health issues like anxiety and depression can also contribute, and cardiovascular problems and diabetes are frequent culprits, though they’re more common in older men. Encourage him to head to the doctor to figure out if there's a health issue behind his ED.
DO consider psychological treatment.
If the problem is serious (or due to an emotional issue), it may be worth it to see a therapist to work through the emotions that are causing it, Dr. Snyder says.
DO consider a prescription drug.
“Medications such as Viagra or Cialis can sometimes be life-savers,” says Dr. Snyder. “Often, these medications can help break the vicious cycle between ED and the negative emotions that ED produces.” Once again, be supportive and suggest that your guy talk to his doctor about one of these options if he has a recurring issue.

No comments:

Post a Comment