OVERNIGHT EXPERT: HOW TO TALK DIRTY

Maybe you planning phone sex, sex or foreplay, talking dirty takes tact. Not sure where to start? Use these expert tips to learn what to say—and when.

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Guys get a bad rap for being brazen about all things related to sex, but when it comes to talking dirty, shyness is the biggest barrier to giving it a shot—and seriously enhancing your bonding time in the bedroom. “The number one issue that comes up with guys who call into my radio show about this topic is that they want to do it—especially if their girlfriend is game—but they’re afraid that they’re going to cross some line and end up offending her,” says psychotherapist Dr. Jenn Berman, who hosts The Love and Sex Show with Dr. Jenn and VH1’s Couples Therapy. An easy way to get over a fear of offending her: Learn how to ace a more explicit conversation so you’ll be confident when it comes to turning her on with words alone. Use these expert tips to ensure that your strategy for expressing your sexual desires is tactful, not trashy.

Break the ice

Talking dirty is an intimate experience, so delve into it with your girlfriend, not the girl you met at the bar two nights ago. If you’re feeling shy about bringing up the subject, Berman advises starting out with something like this: “Hey, I was thinking about talking dirty and wanted to know if that’s something you’re game to try.” If she says yes, proceed slowly with something along the lines of, “Awesome, I’m so excited you’re into that. But I want to make sure I don’t cross any lines. Are there any words that you’re not okay with?”

Set boundaries

It’s not the sexiest stage of dirty talk, but getting a feel for what words turn her on—and off—will ensure you don’t offend her. (And trust us—doing your homework will pay off in the end.) Ask her what she’d like to hear. If she’s shy in her responses, gauge her comfort level by running through words and phrases that could come up in future conversations. Remember that there’s no magic formula for R-rated dialogue—one woman may be repulsed by a certain word, while another woman will be all about it.

Just don’t get too hung up on the vocab, warns Berman. “Honestly, it’s not about the words,” she says. “It’s really a matter of knowing who you’re talking dirty with and making sure everyone is on the same page. Because once you go through the vocabulary, you can really cut loose and have fun.”

Get inspired

We get it—the hardest part about talking dirty isn’t getting your girlfriend’s permission, it’s coming up with what to say. If you need ideas, erotic literature is a good place to start. Berman suggests checking out author Nancy Friday’s collection of men’s and women’s sexual fantasies.

And don’t be afraid to make research a joint activity: “Whether it’s female-friendly erotica or an X-rated magazine like Penthouse Forum, dive into a read with her to find out what scenarios and lines turn her on,” suggests Dr. Yvonne K. Fulbright, sexologist and Sexual Wellness and Relationship Ambassador for Astroglide. “Ask what she’d be up for recreating or what she would like to hear you say.”

If books, movies, and magazines just aren’t doing it for you, try this no-fail tactic: “Describe what you’re doing or what you want to do,” suggests Berman. “That tends to be 90 percent of what people do when they’re talking dirty.”

Ease into the explicit, every time

Even if she’s more than down to try some dirty talk, that’s not your cue to go full steam ahead. “Don't just dive into dropping the ‘f-bomb’ or getting nasty,” says Fulbright. “Start by titillating her with tamer words, getting a feel for the mood she's in and just how far she wants for things to go.”

Keep her guessing

“Whether you’re caught up in the moment or simply lacking creativity, saying the same thing over and over again can make sex feel more like a porn flick and less like a ‘we’ moment,” notes Fulbright. Her advice: Stay present and make sure you’ve got plenty of erotic words and phrases to choose from. It’ll keep you from sounding like a broken record, which can be a turn off.

Don’t freak out if it doesn’t work

If pillow talk makes you and your girlfriend feel more silly than sexy, don’t beat yourself up over it. “Ultimately, if you decide that talking dirty isn’t our thing, still having gone there and taken that risk will bring you closer together and make your sex life better no matter what,” says Berman.

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28 Deadliest Mass Shootings in U.S. History Fast Facts

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Events:
32 killed - April 16, 2007 - Virginia Tech in Blacksburg, Virginia. A gunman, 23-year-old student Seung-Hui Cho, goes on a shooting spree killing 32 people in two locations and wounds an undetermined number of others on campus. The shooter, Seung-Hui Cho then commits suicide.

27 killed - December 14, 2012 - Sandy Hook Elementary School - Newtown, Connecticut. Adam Lanza, 20, guns down 20 children, ages six and seven, and six adults, school staff and faculty, before turning the gun on himself. Investigating police later find Nancy Lanza, Adam's mother, dead from a gunshot wound. The final count is 28 dead, including the shooter.

23 killed - October 16, 1991 - In Killeen, Texas, 35-year-old George Hennard crashes his pickup truck through the wall of a Lubys Cafeteria. After exiting the truck, Hennard shoots and kills 23 people. He then commits suicide.

21 killed - July 18, 1984 - In San Ysidro, California, 41-year-old James Huberty, armed with a long-barreled Uzi, a pump-action shotgun and a handgun shoots and kills 21 adults and children at a local McDonalds. A police sharpshooter kills Huberty one hour after the rampage begins.

18 killed - August 1, 1966 - In Austin, Texas, Charles Joseph Whitman, a former U.S. Marine, kills 16 and wounds at least 30 while shooting from a University of Texas tower. Police officers Ramiro Martinez and Houston McCoy shoot and kill Whitman in the tower. Whitman had also killed his mother and wife earlier in the day.

14 killed - August 20, 1986 - Edmond, Oklahoma, part-time mail carrier, Patrick Henry Sherrill, armed with three handguns kills 14 postal workers in 10 minutes and then takes his own life with a bullet to the head.

13 killed - November 5, 2009 - Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan kills 13 people and injures 32 at Fort Hood, Texas, during a shooting rampage. He is convicted and sentenced to death.

13 killed - April 3, 2009 - In Binghamton, New York, Jiverly Wong kills 13 people and injures four during a shooting at an immigrant community center. He then kills himself.

13 killed - April 20, 1999 - Columbine High School - Littleton, Colorado. 18-year-old Eric Harris and 17-year-old Dylan Klebold kill 12 fellow students and one teacher before committing suicide in the school library.

13 killed - February 18, 1983 - Three men enter the Wah Mee gambling and social club in Seattle, rob the 14 occupants and then shoot each in the head, killing 13. Two of the men, Kwan Fai Mak and Benjamin Ng, are convicted of murder in August 1983. Both are serving life in prison. The third, Wai-Chiu "Tony" Ng, after years on the run in Canada, is eventually convicted of first-degree robbery and second-degree assault. He is deported to Hong Kong in 2014.

13 killed - September 25, 1982 - In Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, 40-year-old George Banks, a prison guard, kills 13 people including five of his own children. In September 2011, the Pennsylvania Supreme Court overturns his death sentence stating that Banks is mentally incompetent.

13 killed - September 5, 1949 - In Camden, New Jersey, 28-year-old Howard Unruh, a veteran of World War II, shoots and kills 13 people as he walks down Camden's 32nd Street. His weapon of choice is a German-crafted Luger pistol. He is found insane and is committed to a state mental institution. He dies at the age of 88.

12 killed - September 16, 2013 - Shots are fired inside the Washington Navy Yard killing 12. The shooter, identified as Aaron Alexis, 34, is also killed.

12 killed - July 20, 2012 - Twelve people are killed and 58 are wounded in a shooting at an Aurora, Colorado, movie theater screening of the new Batman film. James E. Holmes, 24, is taken into custody outside of the movie theater. The gunman, dressed head-to-toe in protective tactical gear, set off two devices of some kind before spraying the theater with bullets from an AR-15 rifle, a 12-gauge shotgun and at least one of two .40-caliber handguns police recovered at the scene.

12 killed - July 29, 1999 - In Atlanta, 44-year-old Mark Barton kills his wife and two children at his home. He then opens fire in two different brokerage houses killing nine people and wounding 12. He later kills himself.

10 killed - March 10, 2009 - In Alabama, Michael McLendon of Kinston, kills 10 and himself. The dead include his mother, grandparents, aunt and uncle.

9 killed - October 1, 2015 - Gunman Christopher Sean Harper-Mercer shoots and kills nine people, injuring another nine, at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon. The shooter dies after a gun battle with police at the college. Six weapons were recovered at the school; another seven were recovered at Harper-Mercer's home.

9 killed - June 17, 2015 - Dylann Roof, 21, shoots and kills nine people inside the historic Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church, in Charleston, South Carolina. Eight die at the scene; a ninth dies at a hospital. Roof is arrested the following day; according to police, he confesses and tells investigators he wanted to start a race war.

9 killed - March 21, 2005 - Red Lake High School, Red Lake, Minnesota. 16-year-old Jeff Weise kills his grandfather and another adult, five students, a teacher and a security officer. He then kills himself.

9 killed - June 18, 1990 - In Jacksonville, Florida, 42-year-old James Pough, angry about his car being repossessed, opens fire at a General Motors Acceptance Corp. office, killing nine people. Pough takes his own life.

8 killed - October 12, 2011 - Eight people are killed during a shooting at the Salon Meritage in Seal Beach, California. The suspect, Scott Evans Dekraai, 41, of Huntington Beach, is arrested without incident as he is trying to leave the scene. The eight dead include Dekraai's ex-wife, Michelle Fournier, 48. He was armed with three guns -- a 9 mm Springfield, a Smith & Wesson .44 Magnum, and a Heckler & Koch .45 -- and was wearing body armor during the shooting rampage.

8 killed - August 3, 2010 - Manchester, Connecticut - Omar Thornton kills eight co-workers at Hartford Distributors before turning the gun on himself. Thornton had been asked to resign for stealing and selling alcoholic beverages.

8 killed - January 19, 2010 - Christopher Speight, 39, kills eight people at a house in Appomattox, Virginia. He surrenders to police at the scene the next morning. February 2013, he is sentenced to five life terms plus 18 years.

8 killed - March 29, 2009 - In Carthage, North Carolina, 45-year-old Robert Stewart kills a nurse and seven elderly patients at a nursing home. In May, the Moore County district attorney announces she will seek the death penalty. On September 3, 2011, a jury finds Stewart guilty of second-degree murder. Stewart is sentenced to 141 to 179 years in prison.

8 killed - December 5, 2007 - In Omaha, Nebraska, 19-year-old Robert Hawkins goes to an area mall and kills eight shoppers before killing himself.

8 killed - July 1, 1993 - In San Francisco, 55-year-old Gian Luigi Ferri kills eight people in a law office and then kills himself.

8 killed - September 14, 1989 - In Louisville, Kentucky, 47-year-old Joseph Wesbecker armed with a AK-47 semiautomatic assault rifle, two MAC-11 semiautomatic pistols, a .38 caliber handgun, a 9-millimeter semiautomatic pistol and a bayonet kills eight co-workers at Standard Gravure Corporation and then kills himself. He had been placed on disability leave from his job due to mental problems.

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8 killed - August 20, 1982 - In Miami, 51-year-old history teacher Carl Robert Brown, angry about a repair bill and armed with a shotgun, kills eight people at a machine shop. He flees by bicycle, but is shot in the back by a witness who pursued him. He was on leave from school for psychological treatment.

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Beyond QS World Universities’ ranking

It ranked Massachusetts Institute of Technology as number one university in the world, followed by Harvard University, while the University of Cambridge and Stanford University both came third. The University of Cape Town in South Africa was ranked first in Africa; Stellenbosch University, also in South Africa, second; while the University of Witwatersrand came third. Others on the list included The American University in Cairo, Egypt; Cairo University, Egypt; Rhodes University, South Africa; University of Ghana; University of Nairobi and Makerere University.So much has been said about Nigerian universities’ woeful performance in the latest QS World Universities Rankings. Many Nigerians have expressed dissatisfaction that none of the 147 universities in the country was included among the top 700 in the world.   Out of   the 18 institutions that made the list in Africa, South Africa had nine, Egypt, five, while Ghana, Kenya, Uganda and Tanzania had one each.

The universities were ranked based   on their global reputation, research impact, staffing levels and international complexion. They were also scored according to their academic reputation, employer reputation, student-to-faculty ratio, citation per faculty, international faculty and international student ratio.

And just this week, the Times Higher Education World University Rankings for 2015/2016 was released. Only the University of Ibadan was ranked among top 800 in the world.

While I would be the last person to pat Nigerian universities on the back for their seemingly poor outing, I still think people should be more realistic in assessing Nigeria’s performance in this international show.

I agree totally that Nigerian universities should be chided for coming behind both the University of Dar es Salaam, Tanzania, and the University of Nairobi, Kenya, established in 1970. But at the same time, before anyone goes to town to vilify our own, I think we should look at where most of the institutions on the world ranking are coming from. In terms of age, most of them are far older than Nigerian universities. The ones in Africa were established either in the 18th or early 19th century.

For instance, Al Azhar University, Egypt was founded in 972 AD, the University of Cape Town, in 1829, Cairo University, 1908, Stellenbosch University, 1903, Makerere University, Uganda, in 1922 and Rhodes University, in 1904. Meanwhile, Nigeria’s oldest university, the University of Ibadan, was established in 1948.

Of course, the University of Ghana, established same year with UI, was on the list, but this still does not remove the fact that the western world is not using a fair yardstick to measure many African universities.

Frankly speaking,   I don’t see any justification using same criteria to assess   Nigerian universities   and Harvard, Cambridge or MIT.   What is the basis for comparison? Are they in the same category? Agreed that Nigerian universities still have a very long way to go, but, I think it is both unrealistic and out of context to group them among these famous ivory towers.

Why should anyone place a university like MIT established in 1861 or Harvard founded in 1636 side by side with any Nigerian university?   I don’t know how any ranking that lumps these very old universities with the relatively young ones will not always be skewed in favour of some universities in the world.   Don’t forget also   that the primary aim of these rankings is to help students make informed comparisons of leading universities around the world.   In a situation like this, I doubt if any ranking body in the western world would ever promote or project any African university as one of the best destinations for tertiary education.

So, for me, the problem is not about Nigerian universities not being ranked among the first 700 in the world. Rather, my point of concern is that Nigerian universities do not seem to be on the right track. I wouldn’t have been bothered   about any ranking if Nigerian universities were seen to be learning from the institutions ahead of them and working towards providing world class education for students.

But can we in all sincerity say that Nigerian universities have a vision of innovating and making scientific breakthroughs that can stand them out now?   Are they truly engaged in research activities? Are they keeping pace with global development in curricula, teaching and in the way they are being managed? Are they aspiring to be reckoned with among the world’s best in the nearest future? Are they taking specific steps towards achieving their vision? In line with the globalisation of education, are they making moves to improve on their international complexion?

These are the issues. It doesn’t matter if no Nigerian university is on the so-called global ranking list as long as the answers to the posers above are positive. I won’t mind   if our institutions are not given a space on the global ranking today once I am sure our universities are meticulous in fulfilling their functions of generating knowledge, transmitting same and applying it to provide solutions to societal problems.

Universities should impact positively on the society. They should be pre-occupied with what to do to make life more meaningful.   They should be developing hypotheses, performing experiments, conducting studies and all sorts of researches   just to make life better for everyone. Talk of ensuring advances in technology, breakthroughs in medicine, these should be the main pre-occupation of our eggheads.

But sadly, we are yet to reach this level. Many of our universities are not just on the right track. And if we continue at this rate, our public   universities, especially, may never attain any tangible position in any credible global ranking.

Unfortunately, our problem is not just that our universities are not progressing; a lot of them are actually retrogressing.   Funding, a major input for research and infrastructural development, is grossly lacking. Yet, our governments at both the federal and state levels feel comfortable playing politics with education. They want to provide free university education. But they don’t make provisions for research. They erroneously think that paying staff salaries is everything about tertiary education.

Meanwhile, research expenditures at MIT exceed $650m (N129.4bn) every year. Harvard runs a yearly budget of $4.2 bn (N836.6bn). And,   in spite of their robust funding on research, these universities still charge tuition. Tuition and fees for 2015/2016 in MIT and Harvard are   $46,704 [N10, 274,888] and $45,278 [N9, 961,160] respectively.

But, a country like Nigeria that does not vote money for research is reluctant to charge fees. Nigerians themselves don’t want to hear anything about tuition in universities. They think paying N90, 000 for hostel accommodation in some universities is tantamount to paying for university education.   What a joke? How can Nigerian universities compete favourably with others in the world with this kind of outdated model?

Let’s face it. Nigerian universities are bound to retrogress if government funding continues to dwindle. Right now, infrastructural facilities are over-stretched, lecture halls are overcrowded and equipment in many of these institutions is outdated. Most budgets for education go into paying staff salaries.

Lecturers are not accessing the little research funds that are available through donor agencies because they don’t know how to write proposals, according to the National Universities Commission.

When the University of Ibadan got N3.25bn from the Federal Government for the construction and renovation of infrastructure in 2013, it was the highest intervention ever received in its history. No Nigerian public university can state how much it budgets for research yearly.

University education is not cheap.   Nigerian governments   are free to keep running a free tertiary education, but they should   budget enough funds for the institutions.     Both the federal and state governments should fund research activities and provide adequate infrastructure in their universities. They should also encourage companies to endow chairs and fund research activities.

Microsoft is one of the biggest companies funding robotic researches at the California State University in the United States. I also found out during my visit to the university that the institution’s alumni give back part of the money they make from their innovations to the university to keep it running.

It is high time Nigerian universities began to think of producing such productive and high calibre alumni, not half-baked or non-employable graduates.

http://www.punchng.com/columnists/frank-talk/beyond-qs-world-universities-ranking/

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