As I sit down with Chase for coffee, I begin with the big question: No matter what size we are, we all can have body image issues. But why?
"That’s a huge question, so have a seat," says Chase. "Think of it this way: People aren’t born disliking anything about themselves. How we end up feeling about our bodies is completely a social construct. From the age of about three, our reptilian brain wants desperately for us to fit in, and around then scientists say we become aware that others have opinions about us. From there, we grow up being bombarded with a constant stream of messaging from the media that's telling us—selling us—an idea of what we should look like, wear, weigh, date, drive, you name it. Throughout our formative years and into adulthood in direct and indirect ways, we are inundated with ideas about what is attractive and desirable. How are we ever supposed to like what we see in the mirror when we are constantly told what we see in the mirror is not good enough?"
TT: When it comes to sex, there is also another layer: we’re naked (or mostly naked) and we also have feelings about our nipples, our genitals, our thighs not being “perfect.” Where does the embarrassment about our genitals come from?
"People who grow up with penises get super familiar with them right away. They have to, it’s right there in between their legs, they can’t miss it! They’re taught to deal with it directly—hold it to pee, and then a little later on, it’s not such a huge leap to figure out masturbation because they’re already so comfortable touching it. It’s different if you’ve grown up with a vulva. Because female genitals are internal, there’s no practical need to address them growing up except brief instructions for how to wipe up after going to the bathroom or what to do when you get your period. In other words, we're subconsciously setting the stage for an assumption that that area is 'dirty' when we only ever talk to girls about how to clean it. It makes perfect sense that so many women feel embarrassed about what it looks like, or self conscious about what it smells like."
TT: And how does that impact our sex lives?
"Generally, sex is best when you can be in the moment, focusing on your pleasure and that of your partner. If we are under the impression that our bodies make or break someone’s sexual attraction to us, this false premise takes us out of the moment."
TT: What can we do about it? How do you fix it?
"The first step to any of this is to start noticing when we think or say negative things about our bodies and neutralize it, reframe it, or push it away. We have to start very slowly from the inside, that’s where it has to begin; nothing external can make it go away."
TT: Let's say we've stopped the negative self-talk. Now what?
"That’s the best part! Step two is replacing that negative thought with something neutral. Your negative thought is really your own judgement of yourself most likely based on social construct, supposition, and maybe some teasing from when you were a kid all rolled up into one voice. So I suggest you replace that thought with something that cannot be disputed by your inner critic; 'This is me dressed up. I’m judging myself right now. I can’t be objective about what I look like so I’m not going to entertain that thought. This is what I look like right now.' It might sound silly, but as long as you believe what you’re saying and it’s taking the place of something negative, you’re good. It’s a practice and it takes practice, but it works."
TT: What is one confidence-boosting message you share with students in your workshops?
"You are inherently sexy. You are born with it. It’s a part of who you are. You can choose to cover it up all you want, but the fact of the matter is, sex and sexual pleasure are a birthright. Doing the work to identify what makes you feel sexy and what turns you on is essential."
TT: Tell me something you find sexy about yourself.
"If I had to choose one quality about myself that I would find sexy it’s witty repartee. I love a good, funny, smart, teasing, back-and-forth banter. I think I’m good at it and I feel sexiest when I’m in that place."
Now, for your homework: Right now, think of something you find sexy about yourself, whether it's your back, your eyes, your laugh...whatever. And the next time you catch yourself thinking something negative about your body, reframe it with a neutral thought to untrain your brain and set the stage for acceptance (and better sex) going forward.
http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2015/10/body-image-sex-confidence
