What an Expert Says: Elle Chase on Sex and Body Image

As I sit down with Chase for coffee, I begin with the big question: No matter what size we are, we all can have body image issues. But why?

"That’s a huge question, so have a seat," says Chase. "Think of it this way: People aren’t born disliking anything about themselves. How we end up feeling about our bodies is completely a social construct. From the age of about three, our reptilian brain wants desperately for us to fit in, and around then scientists say we become aware that others have opinions about us. From there, we grow up being bombarded with a constant stream of messaging from the media that's telling us—selling us—an idea of what we should look like, wear, weigh, date, drive, you name it. Throughout our formative years and into adulthood in direct and indirect ways, we are inundated with ideas about what is attractive and desirable. How are we ever supposed to like what we see in the mirror when we are constantly told what we see in the mirror is not good enough?"

TT: When it comes to sex, there is also another layer: we’re naked (or mostly naked) and we also have feelings about our nipples, our genitals, our thighs not being “perfect.” Where does the embarrassment about our genitals come from?

"People who grow up with penises get super familiar with them right away. They have to, it’s right there in between their legs, they can’t miss it! They’re taught to deal with it directly—hold it to pee, and then a little later on, it’s not such a huge leap to figure out masturbation because they’re already so comfortable touching it. It’s different if you’ve grown up with a vulva. Because female genitals are internal, there’s no practical need to address them growing up except brief instructions for how to wipe up after going to the bathroom or what to do when you get your period. In other words, we're subconsciously setting the stage for an assumption that that area is 'dirty' when we only ever talk to girls about how to clean it. It makes perfect sense that so many women feel embarrassed about what it looks like, or self conscious about what it smells like."

TT: And how does that impact our sex lives?

"Generally, sex is best when you can be in the moment, focusing on your pleasure and that of your partner. If we are under the impression that our bodies make or break someone’s sexual attraction to us, this false premise takes us out of the moment."

TT: What can we do about it? How do you fix it?

"The first step to any of this is to start noticing when we think or say negative things about our bodies and neutralize it, reframe it, or push it away. We have to start very slowly from the inside, that’s where it has to begin; nothing external can make it go away."

TT: Let's say we've stopped the negative self-talk. Now what?

"That’s the best part! Step two is replacing that negative thought with something neutral. Your negative thought is really your own judgement of yourself most likely based on social construct, supposition, and maybe some teasing from when you were a kid all rolled up into one voice. So I suggest you replace that thought with something that cannot be disputed by your inner critic; 'This is me dressed up. I’m judging myself right now. I can’t be objective about what I look like so I’m not going to entertain that thought. This is what I look like right now.' It might sound silly, but as long as you believe what you’re saying and it’s taking the place of something negative, you’re good. It’s a practice and it takes practice, but it works."

TT: What is one confidence-boosting message you share with students in your workshops?

"You are inherently sexy. You are born with it. It’s a part of who you are. You can choose to cover it up all you want, but the fact of the matter is, sex and sexual pleasure are a birthright. Doing the work to identify what makes you feel sexy and what turns you on is essential."

TT: Tell me something you find sexy about yourself.

"If I had to choose one quality about myself that I would find sexy it’s witty repartee. I love a good, funny, smart, teasing, back-and-forth banter. I think I’m good at it and I feel sexiest when I’m in that place."

Now, for your homework: Right now, think of something you find sexy about yourself, whether it's your back, your eyes, your laugh...whatever. And the next time you catch yourself thinking something negative about your body, reframe it with a neutral thought to untrain your brain and set the stage for acceptance (and better sex) going forward.

http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2015/10/body-image-sex-confidence

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15 SEX TIPS FROM THE BEDROOMS OF REAL WOMEN

If you want to know what real women think and dream about in the bedroom, we got the scoop for you right here.

You don't need a special occasion to be the reason you go all-out in the bedroom. It may seem more romantic, but odds are one of you will be too drunk after weddings and holiday parties to have a good quality romp. Make sex exciting all the time by breaking out of the cookie-cutter positions and listening to your girl. Do you know what she really wants between the sheets? She’s definitely fantasized about it before, you just need to tease it out of her.

The key to unleashing her greatest orgasm ever may require a lot of bells and whistles (a la 50 Shades of Grey) or it may be simpler than you think. We asked real women for their favorite form of foreplay, sex, and more so you can end the night with a grand finale, not a flop. 

Get In The (Erogenous) Zone
“Never underestimate the power of a few well-placed kisses. It drives me crazy when my boyfriend starts kissing the nape of my neck and gently nibbling on my ear lobe – I get tingles all the way down to clitoris. After a few minutes I’m literally begging him to just put it in.”

Talk Dirty “You don’t have to save all the naughty stuff for the bedroom. If you’re out at a fancy dinner, tell your girl how badly you want her across the table. If you’re at a bar, put your hand on her ass and tell her the things you’ll do to her when you get home. Telling women how desirable they are will give them the confidence to act out all your dirty fantasies later.

Be A Boob Man “It drives me insane when my boyfriend takes the time to pay attention to my boobs. I don’t just mean grabbing, I mean kissing and licking until my nipples are hard and then giving them little bites. By that time I’m usually so wet that just a little fingering will make me cum—and the times he’s bitten down while his hand is down there I’ve had the most mind-blowing orgasms ever.”

Touch Yourself  “I know it may sound strange, but watching my boyfriend get himself off is such a turn on. I’ll start by lying down naked next him, my body against his, and play with his member until he gets hard. Then I put his hand down there and just rub my body against him and watch. I think it makes me so hot 'cause it’s kind of taboo, something he would do in private, but I also like actually seeing how much I turn him on.”

Let Her Take Charge When my fiancé and I are doing it missionary I usually feel as if I’m on the brink of coming and it makes me go totally wild. I’ll push him back so I can get on top, place my arms on his to hold them down, and just ride him hard until I cum—and keeping eye contact the whole time makes it extra intense. So my note to guys is, there’s nothing wrong with lying back and just enjoying the view.”

Get Wet “Everyone talks about shower sex, but on nights when it’s cold out or on a lazy Sunday draw a bath and get in together. Since you’re both in the water you don’t have to worry about the water flying in your face or one of you getting cold. Adding bubbles is a nice touch, too. Since some of your body is hidden, it helps with loosening inhibitions.”

Women Like Porn, Too “It doesn’t happen often, but every now and then when my husband and I are feeling especially frisky we’ll put some porn on. We’ll take turn getting on our knees and going down on each other while the other sits on the couch and the finish by going at it doggy style.”

Doggy Style 2.0 “My favorite sex position is when I lie down on the bed and a guy takes me from behind. Keeping a steady rhythm and grabbing my ass real tight will usually end with us coming at the same time and pretty quickly—it’s that good.” confessed by a Nollywood actress, Nuella Njubigbo

Find The Spot “If a guy is going down on me I love when they take time to kind of ‘explore’ what’s going down there instead of just incessantly rubbing or poking. Gently licking my clit and then slowly rubbing it until I orgasm is just so intense, and it makes me feel like my partner cares about making me get off.”

Dirty Spooning “I love waking up after a good night’s rest with my boyfriend spooning—and being able to feel how hard he is. Instead of just acting like neither of us notices, I love when he gently grabs my thigh and starts touching me down there. When he puts it in, the nice, tight fit from that angle makes it feel incredible for both us.”

Set Her Fantasies in Motion “There have been a few times during sex where I’ve admitted to my boyfriend that I want him to tie my hands up one night and just take me. I’m a little too shy to actually instigate it, though, like to actually buy handcuffs or rope ahead of time. Then one night as we were about to get it on my boyfriend reached in the bedside table and told me he had a surprise for me—and brought out two silk scarves to tie my hands with. The fact that he got my fantasy ready-to-go was as amazing as the experience actually felt.”

Don’t Get Comfortable “Some of the hottest sex my husband and I have is right when we get home from work. There’s something incredibly hot about him propping me up on his lap on the couch while we’re both still in our work clothes. So I’d tell guys not to bother with the undressing. Just pull your girl’s stockings down, unzip your pants and do it. Getting dirty while you’re still in that office—mind frame and outfit kind of makes you feel like you're in your own porn movie.”

Open The Toy Chest “I love a man who isn’t intimidated by sex toys. If you know your girl has some, ask her to bring them out and let you be the one to pleasure her with them. For me, since I usually use my vibrator alone and on myself, it feels like I’m letting a guy in on naughty little secret when I let him be the one to tease me with it. And of course, nothing actually feels better than the last minute of substituting the toy for the real thing.”

69 Redux “I feel like the 69 position gets called out a lot for be ‘outdated,’ (and it definitely isn’t!), but why not switch it up a bit? I love when a guy straddles me so that his member is right against my mouth and I can give him a blowjob from that angle or stick out my tongue and have him tap his stuff against it…it really is a turn on for both us.”

Brave The Elements “Everyone talks about taking sex al fresco in the summer, but it’s actually so hot and sticky then and do you want to spend half the time batting away mosquitos? I much prefer going on an autumn hike, working up a little sweat, and then having a quickie out in the elements. The feel of cold air against your skin is honestly exhilarating—and even more spontaneous than just getting it on at the beach after dark.”

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How to Fulfil your Girlfriend’s Rape Fantasy

Let's visit the concept of aggressive persistence in sexual escalation.  Referred to as   “rape game” by humorists,  this practice tends to incite controversy.

While by-passing a women’s token resistance has its place in a sexual interaction, it’s important to recognise genuine objections to your advances. Simple you would presume, but consider this…

False Advertising

What if she’s screaming “No! No! Stop it!”, but at the same time grinding your delicates. Mixed signals maybe, but those who possess a greater understanding of such dynamics would regard her body over her words. Often her verbal misgivings are merely a by-product of a conflict between Mammalian instincts and rational objections from the neo-cortex.

While she may crave your dick and relish the experience of being pounded by you, she might also regret the sex afterwards if she thinks it was a poor decision logically.

What if she was married and her husband found out?

What if she just screwed her best friend’s boyfriend?

Here’s her get out cause: “He raped me.”

Believe or not, in the eyes of the law – she’s right.

Bingo!

A Definition of Rape: In criminal law, rape is an assault by a person involving sexual intercourse with another person without that person’s consent.

She’s told you to stop, she kept saying no, but you kept going. She may have even put up physical resistance (albeit to get herself off on the idea of being dominated). You certainly were persistent when you think about it, weren’t you?

How would all this sound in court?

Before you know it, you’ve just made the sexual offenders list.

OK, so the above scenario is a little extreme, but it raises some good questions: Where does token resistance end? Where does one draw the line?

I’m reminded of the Julian Assange Case @ inMalafide.

I once dated a young Yoruba girl from Lagos. We were sharing our ultimate bedroom fantasies. She surprised me when she revealed her most desired sexual experience:

“I know it sounds strange, but I always wanted to be raped.”

She told me she wanted a guy to pounce on her and no matter how hard she fought, kicking and screaming, she would ultimately have clothes ripped off her body, get slapped around and get fucked hard. She wanted him to call her a “Stupid Whore!” and a “Fucking N!*g€r!”. She wanted to feel helpless, used and worthless.

It blew me away. How could any woman want to get raped? Then I asked myself a more puzzling question.. How do you rape a girl to fulfil a fantasy without actually raping her?

Bingo.

Welcome to Rape Fantasies 101

Here’s your get out clause: The Codeword.

Every time I’m with a new lover and things are getting heated, I introduce a codeword. This codeword means stop, unconditionally. Any other string of words may be interpreted as meaningless utterances. Often when women say “Stop” or “No” is just means “Try something else” or “Not quite yet”. Only the codeword truely means stop. A semantic ruse perhaps, but an important one.

A codeword I often employ is “Bananas”. This way I give her permission to resist verbally as much as she wants, but at the back of her mind she knows she can terminate any action with the word “Bananas”.

But seriously, stop.

Not only does this create trust, it’s also fucking hilarious. Any discomfort she may feel is instantly diminished with such a stupid phrase. The codeword creates a playful dynamic to an otherwise primal act.

Other good codewords off the top of head: “Frappuccino!” “Hippopotamus!” or “Babyshit.”

Make sure it’s a funny word and totally not sexy, as she will be less inclined to use it.  Such a word would completely destroy the mood, so if she uses it you know she means business.

As for my girl’s fantasy…. one day I burst into her room, grabbed her by the mane,  handcuffed her, beat her with my belt and assaulted her verbally while I made her to do whatever demeaning sexual act I saw fit.

Afterwards she told me it was the best sex she ever had…

So go ahead, try a little rape game.

Just remember: Bananas! 

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